You are my clarity...

Is it okay that I have fallen madly in love with you? You are seriously the BEST thing in my life. I'm kinda scared to tell you, but I will, I promise. I know we're not "official" yet, and that's what makes it so complicated, but trust me, I'm crazy about you darling. =] I find it incredible that in less than a month we can officially be dating and I can call you my boyfriend! I can't wait. <3 

Mutual liking

It's funny how one conversation can turn it all around. It's all okay now. Things are back to "I like you, you like me, let's enjoy our mutual liking and wait a little while and then date." I love it. :D 

Gone

All I wanted was for you to stay and talk to me. But you left, and now I am left alone crying and listening to sad songs. Thanks. That's just great. 

Indescribable

I don't know how to describe this but...

Every time I am with him, all I can think about is him. I forget all of my problems and everything I have to get done. I love being with him and spending time with him. I forget all of my worries and concerns about our relationship. When I am with him, nothing else matters. And then we say goodbye, and he holds me for a moment, and then we walk away in opposite directions. I walk on clouds for days. After a while I start worrying again. But then I see him again and the world is set right again. How does he do that?

Blame game

I miss being confident in you, me, us. Me and you, you and me. It seemed so simple. Just a waiting game where we made waiting worth while until we could have the real thing. Sort of a practice run. It didn't work. But you don't know that yet. I LOVE YOU, okay? And I CAN'T. For now, yes. For forever, probably not. I suck. I really really suck. Cuz I am going to break both of our hearts. And I can't stop it. We're in too deep. It got too complicated too quickly, and we let it. WE LET IT HAPPEN. I'm sorry. God I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I wish I could blame it all on you, but I can't. It's my fault too. You're going to hate me. You said you could never hate me, but you will. You'll think I am a liar and a phony and a faker and a b*tch. Yeah, I said b*tch. Admit it. That's what I have acted like. Now if I can just make you stop caring about me, and make myself stop caring about you. That's the hard part. But really, I am sorry. I am.

I'm sorry

That moment when you realize that you could never marry the man you're in love with is pretty heart breaking. I know that I love him and he loves me, but I don't see how it could last forever. Our dreams are different. We are different. He is brilliant and he wants to live in a hobbit hole and be an aerospace engineer. I am not brilliant and I want a future in fashion design. He loves the country and I love the city. He is a loner with a few friends. I am a loner with tons of friends. I want a good relationship with my family. He wants nothing to do with his. I love him, but I have to face the fact that I am going to have to let him go someday. I am mostly scared that it will break both of our hearts, and especially his. And all I will be able to say...is I'm sorry. 

Wanderer

Sometimes it's scary liking someone so much, and having them like me back. I don't know what to do, how to act, what to say, who to be. There are so many unknowns that sometimes I feel a little lost. Mostly I just wander around in our relationship wondering what the heck I am doing. I know I like him. I don't doubt that. I know he likes me. I don't doubt that either. What I doubt is our ability to make a relationship work. We say we are "just friends" for now. I am beginning to think everyone is right in saying there is no such thing as "just friends". Today he announced to me that it's our 5 month. I was like, 5 month what? We are not dating. I realized he meant five months since we told each other how we felt. It was weird. Like...he felt it was significant and meant something. But really, isn't it just another day? Yeah, it was a big deal to express our feelings. But it seems a little cheesy to celebrate 5 months since we talked about liking each other...If it were 5 months since we started dating or got engaged or married or something, I think that would be different.

I just feel like I don't know what I am doing here. It's like, I really really like him, but I don't know what to do with those feelings. I also don't know how I got in this deep. I wasn't supposed to. This was never part of my plan. HE was never part of my plan. My plans are all over the place and I don't even know what I want anymore. I am starting to feel like there are expectations that I have to live up to and that I have to act like a girlfriend when I am not actually his girlfriend. It's exhausting. The thing is, he is not putting those expectations on me. I am. I have no one to blame for this but myself. So now what? 

Paper girl

I am that paper girl. With a paper heart, in a string of paper people, living in a paper world. But paper is okay. Paper is real. I am real. We are real. We can live for real. Maybe being paper isn't so bad.

Letting Go

I want to go. I just want to go. I want to get into the car and drive and drive and drive and not stop. I just want to keep going forever and ever and ever with this song playing as the sound track of my journey. ("Letting Go" by Paul Cardall) Why? Because I am sick of this. I am sick of being here and being me and doing these things and I hate it and I hate myself and I hate the world and I hate my computer and my bed and my walls and my room and my feelings and my brain and the air and the way things are never the same way twice but I sure as heck sometimes feel like they are. Right now I feel like I have always felt like this, always been in this rut. Like....the walls have been building up around me for almost 18 years and I have never known anything else in my life and it sucks and yet.......there is light at the end of the tunnel like I KNOW I can get out and yet I don't know how to get there. To get to the end of the tunnel. I just keep walking, but it always seems like the wrong direction. But if it's a tunnel, then shouldn't it have two ends? Shouldn't I be able to get out no matter which way I go? I would rather climb a mountain than feel like I am stuck underneath it in a tunnel. It's dark, it's lonely, and it makes me feel dead. It makes me feel like I have never even been alive, which is worse than being dead. At least if you have died, you have spent at least a little time living. I don't feel that. I don't feel anything. I feel numb. I feel like a rainbow of gray, just changing from one numbness to another and it has to be the worst feeling in the world. It has to be. Because it is not a feeling. I don't feel it, I don't FEEL anything. There is nothing to feel. And I am nothing. And you are nothing. AND we live in this big old world of nothingness where we do nothing and are nothing and feel nothing and yet.....We are living. We are breathing, and moving. We are alive. And the numbness? That is just the hard cold shell that we retract into when we get tired of pushing through crap. Cuz we all deal with crap. And we all get tired of it sometimes. But the point of it all is just to keep going because there is a reason at the end of it all. I don't know what it is, yet. But I will know it when I see it, and when I do...
I will not be numb anymore.
I will not hate anymore.
I will be alive.
Truly alive, not this fake alive that has me wrapped into knots because I want to be really alive and not pretend alive. I will get there, someday. I will. I promise. And that is my hope, because I have none other. 

almost maybe not quite sure

I love you. I really do. But sometimes my heart and my head get all confused and I don't know anymore. Is forever together just my wishful thinking, or could it be a reality. Sometimes I know you want it too, and then other times I have no clue what you're thinking and feeling. You call me your dearest and then barely talk to me. I know there is a lot going on in your life, but I hate being so unsure of what is going on. Are we slipping? Are we drifting? I am not sure we are even on the same page sometimes. But I am still so in love with you. I am still wishing for forever together. 

forever and always...

Sometimes I dream about forever with you. Is that all right? 

Without words

He makes me smile and laugh. And at the same time, he makes me speechless. I don't even know what to say. But I do know that when we talk, it's the best part of my day by far. :) 

beautiful

I am in love. And it is a beautiful thing. Never before in my life have I felt so alive. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met, and I am incredibly blessed to have him in my life. He knows I like him, but he doesn't know I love him yet. It's just not the right time for that...but someday. I don't know why I am talking about this here. Maybe I feel safe because the chance that anyone will read this is slim. But it's still a chance. I guess I just want the whole world to know, and this is as close as I can come to telling anyone right now. So the truth is, I love him. I have never been in love before. And I am glad, because it makes this all the more special and dear to me. I can't wait to actually be able to spend time with him and really enjoy his company and tell him how I feel. One of the best things about it is that I know he feels the same way. :) It makes me want to scream and shout and dance and do crazy things. And to answer your question, he never treats me like I am ordinary. He treats me like...like I am an extraordinarily beautiful woman that he never wants to take for granted or lose. Isn't being in love...beautiful? <3 

Love

Falling in love is AMAZING.