Letting Go

I want to go. I just want to go. I want to get into the car and drive and drive and drive and not stop. I just want to keep going forever and ever and ever with this song playing as the sound track of my journey. ("Letting Go" by Paul Cardall) Why? Because I am sick of this. I am sick of being here and being me and doing these things and I hate it and I hate myself and I hate the world and I hate my computer and my bed and my walls and my room and my feelings and my brain and the air and the way things are never the same way twice but I sure as heck sometimes feel like they are. Right now I feel like I have always felt like this, always been in this rut. Like....the walls have been building up around me for almost 18 years and I have never known anything else in my life and it sucks and yet.......there is light at the end of the tunnel like I KNOW I can get out and yet I don't know how to get there. To get to the end of the tunnel. I just keep walking, but it always seems like the wrong direction. But if it's a tunnel, then shouldn't it have two ends? Shouldn't I be able to get out no matter which way I go? I would rather climb a mountain than feel like I am stuck underneath it in a tunnel. It's dark, it's lonely, and it makes me feel dead. It makes me feel like I have never even been alive, which is worse than being dead. At least if you have died, you have spent at least a little time living. I don't feel that. I don't feel anything. I feel numb. I feel like a rainbow of gray, just changing from one numbness to another and it has to be the worst feeling in the world. It has to be. Because it is not a feeling. I don't feel it, I don't FEEL anything. There is nothing to feel. And I am nothing. And you are nothing. AND we live in this big old world of nothingness where we do nothing and are nothing and feel nothing and yet.....We are living. We are breathing, and moving. We are alive. And the numbness? That is just the hard cold shell that we retract into when we get tired of pushing through crap. Cuz we all deal with crap. And we all get tired of it sometimes. But the point of it all is just to keep going because there is a reason at the end of it all. I don't know what it is, yet. But I will know it when I see it, and when I do...
I will not be numb anymore.
I will not hate anymore.
I will be alive.
Truly alive, not this fake alive that has me wrapped into knots because I want to be really alive and not pretend alive. I will get there, someday. I will. I promise. And that is my hope, because I have none other.