You are my clarity...

Is it okay that I have fallen madly in love with you? You are seriously the BEST thing in my life. I'm kinda scared to tell you, but I will, I promise. I know we're not "official" yet, and that's what makes it so complicated, but trust me, I'm crazy about you darling. =] I find it incredible that in less than a month we can officially be dating and I can call you my boyfriend! I can't wait. <3 

Mutual liking

It's funny how one conversation can turn it all around. It's all okay now. Things are back to "I like you, you like me, let's enjoy our mutual liking and wait a little while and then date." I love it. :D 

Gone

All I wanted was for you to stay and talk to me. But you left, and now I am left alone crying and listening to sad songs. Thanks. That's just great. 

Indescribable

I don't know how to describe this but...

Every time I am with him, all I can think about is him. I forget all of my problems and everything I have to get done. I love being with him and spending time with him. I forget all of my worries and concerns about our relationship. When I am with him, nothing else matters. And then we say goodbye, and he holds me for a moment, and then we walk away in opposite directions. I walk on clouds for days. After a while I start worrying again. But then I see him again and the world is set right again. How does he do that?

Blame game

I miss being confident in you, me, us. Me and you, you and me. It seemed so simple. Just a waiting game where we made waiting worth while until we could have the real thing. Sort of a practice run. It didn't work. But you don't know that yet. I LOVE YOU, okay? And I CAN'T. For now, yes. For forever, probably not. I suck. I really really suck. Cuz I am going to break both of our hearts. And I can't stop it. We're in too deep. It got too complicated too quickly, and we let it. WE LET IT HAPPEN. I'm sorry. God I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I wish I could blame it all on you, but I can't. It's my fault too. You're going to hate me. You said you could never hate me, but you will. You'll think I am a liar and a phony and a faker and a b*tch. Yeah, I said b*tch. Admit it. That's what I have acted like. Now if I can just make you stop caring about me, and make myself stop caring about you. That's the hard part. But really, I am sorry. I am.

I'm sorry

That moment when you realize that you could never marry the man you're in love with is pretty heart breaking. I know that I love him and he loves me, but I don't see how it could last forever. Our dreams are different. We are different. He is brilliant and he wants to live in a hobbit hole and be an aerospace engineer. I am not brilliant and I want a future in fashion design. He loves the country and I love the city. He is a loner with a few friends. I am a loner with tons of friends. I want a good relationship with my family. He wants nothing to do with his. I love him, but I have to face the fact that I am going to have to let him go someday. I am mostly scared that it will break both of our hearts, and especially his. And all I will be able to say...is I'm sorry. 

Wanderer

Sometimes it's scary liking someone so much, and having them like me back. I don't know what to do, how to act, what to say, who to be. There are so many unknowns that sometimes I feel a little lost. Mostly I just wander around in our relationship wondering what the heck I am doing. I know I like him. I don't doubt that. I know he likes me. I don't doubt that either. What I doubt is our ability to make a relationship work. We say we are "just friends" for now. I am beginning to think everyone is right in saying there is no such thing as "just friends". Today he announced to me that it's our 5 month. I was like, 5 month what? We are not dating. I realized he meant five months since we told each other how we felt. It was weird. Like...he felt it was significant and meant something. But really, isn't it just another day? Yeah, it was a big deal to express our feelings. But it seems a little cheesy to celebrate 5 months since we talked about liking each other...If it were 5 months since we started dating or got engaged or married or something, I think that would be different.

I just feel like I don't know what I am doing here. It's like, I really really like him, but I don't know what to do with those feelings. I also don't know how I got in this deep. I wasn't supposed to. This was never part of my plan. HE was never part of my plan. My plans are all over the place and I don't even know what I want anymore. I am starting to feel like there are expectations that I have to live up to and that I have to act like a girlfriend when I am not actually his girlfriend. It's exhausting. The thing is, he is not putting those expectations on me. I am. I have no one to blame for this but myself. So now what?